Let me start by saying that it’s not my intention to make fun of this person, although I know it will be perceived that way. As I said in my last post, “Did You Say Prison?”, this ex of mine was a decent guy who made some bad decisions in life. He certainly wasn’t a cruel, malicious person and my sharing this story with you is only to make light of the romantic struggles or predicaments I’ve had in my life time.

A few months after I last heard from this ex my mom called to let me know some mail had come for me at her home… from the Bergen County Jail. Ut oh. Admittedly, I rushed over to get the letter. The only other time I rush to my mom’s is if she’s making Grape Leaves 😉

I hope I don’t go to hell for this….. here’s the letter… with my hopefully amusing comments… and I’ll fix the grammar so you can read it without the initial hiccups I had. “I’m sure you must be shocked to get a letter from me. I’m incarcerated in the Bergen County Jail (um, yea, this is why I didn’t return any of your phone calls). Sometimes your past catches up with you. That’s what happened to me. I didn’t go to court in 94 because I had already moved to FL. (that’s all I get on this subject, so some unmentionable caught up with him). Anyway, the reason I’m writing to you is because I have no one to correspond with since my mother, brother and father are all dead. (that’s that saddest and most pathetic thing I have ever heard, plus it makes me feel like chopped liver. So everyone knows, he also has a sister who does not speak to him for a reason unbeknownst to me.) It’s hard to do time when you have no letters, visits or calls. I’ve always liked you very much, maybe more than you realize. You have the most beautiful eyes (true) and I could go on forever. (let’s keep in mind that outside of the last couple of months an entire decade went by without any contact from this guy).

I know we didn’t keep in touch but if you could write me a letter, you can write about anything. I’m sure you have a boyfriend. All the good girls are taken. (then why don’t I have a boyfriend damn it!) You see, getting a letter or photo would turn a bad day in jail into a good week for me. I wouldn’t feel so alone and feeling that way makes time go slower. I could get out of jail relatively cheap. Only $100.00 but I’d never ask you to do that, they’ll release me eventually so don’t worry about that. (Then why bring it up? Of course he can’t help himself, I understand. In truth, as with the first meeting, I just can’t go there. My life is already complicated enough. I can tell you this though, 7 years ago, my life was no wheres near as complicated as it is today.) And I’ll make you a deal with you. If you write, when I get out I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant in NYC and I’ll throw in a Broadway show. (I shouldn’t be laughing but I am. Surely I’m going to hell.) I have a job waiting for me when I get out and I will make real good money. (I guess when you go from jail to any job, the money is “real good”. Tears starts to stream out of my eyes.) It was a bit strange that your address popped into my head after all these years. It was plain as day in my mind. (Damn my mother for not having unlisted information and never moving.) I think you are good karma and that’s why. (I’m sure he doesn’t think that anymore.)

All I do here is work, read, eat and sleep. I do 500 push-ups a day and it would be nice if just once during mail call, they called my name. I’m the only guy who doesn’t get visits or letters. I’d really enjoy taking you out. I’ll pay for everything. Then we can talk and laugh about me being locked up. (Why wait? I’m doing that now.) I have nobody in my life right now and I could really use a friend (hell, here I come) so please consider writing me. I know it will be strange but we know each other well (umm, no, not really, I knew you 10 yrs ago – before prison, 2x).

I hope you and your family are doing fine. Even if you decide not to write, I’ll understand if you don’t feel comfortable writing an inmate. I’ll keep my word about dinner and a show when I get out regardless just because I enjoy your company. You’re a nice lady and it doesn’t hurt that you’re hot too. (In case anyone is curious, he’s about 41 years old here).

That’s it. That’s the first letter. If everyone, or the few who actually bother to read my blog thing I am an evil doer, please let me know and I will take this post down. If not. I shall continue with letter #2.

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